The Mental Health Impact On Kids During Unexpected Transitions
By YADIRA FLORES
LCSW PHYCOTHERAPIST, COACH, TRAINER
Carmen a working mother of two children who prides herself in being a very attentive and attuned mother. Found herself in full frustration yelling at her daughter, Lucia who had just had a fun filled day celebrating her 7th birthday. Carmen woke up that morning wanting to make Lucia’s birthday a memorable one, being that Lucia has been isolated from her friends since the Safer at Home order was initiated due to COVID-19. On this day she was allowed to have a visit from her best friend. By night fall, Carmen had a screaming 7yr old who had just yanked streamers from the doorway in a fit full of range. Carmen didn’t understand why? Why would Lucia be so upset after no expense was spared in making the day extra special for her?
What Carmen failed to realized is that Lucia was reacting to all of the unexpected changes that have been happening since we entered these unprecedented times of COVID-19. Unlike adults who have been able to have virtual gathering with friends and other outlets of social supports. Children have had all of their friends, extracurricular activities, playdates, even school taken from them. They’ve been depleted of their village and don’t have the language to express their need for social connection.
Children express themselves much differently than adults. They don’t have the words to verbalize how changes affect them. They communicate through their behavior. Carmen interpreted Lucia’s behavior as a rejection of all the hard work she put into planning a day full of surprises and fun. Instead she should have asked herself, “What is Lucia trying to tell me by the way she is behaving? What does she need from me at this moment?”
During times of transition it’s important to maintain some routine for children. Part of that routine should include ways for them to maintain social interaction with friends and family. Socialization can help children cope. You can use technology to have video chats and play dates. Set times where children can call their friends no matter the age of your child. These community exchanges can help children deal with worry and stress. As humans we are wired for social connection. For children, parents are the ones that have to assist their children with maintaining social supports. Just as much as adults benefit from virtual happy hours to maintain a healthy sense of connection and wellbeing. Children also need a circle of support to maintain good mental health.
How can parents take notice of children’s needs prior to an all-out tantrum? Some of the signs to look for are changes in mood or behaviors. If you normally have a child that can easily go to bed, but in recent nights they fuss and cry leading to bed time. Their behavior is trying to tell you something. They’re uncomfortable about something but don’t have the words to communicate that to you.
As a parent when you begin to notice a pattern in changes of behaviors such as crying, irritability, being withdrawn, not wanting to separate from parent, or easily angered those are all clues that you need set some time aside to talk with your child. When you have a very young child you will have to use words to describe your children’s behavior such as, “I can see you’re very angry. You’re throwing that toy because you’re mad.” What you don’t want to do is lose your temper and tell you child to just stop crying or yelling. This will only upset your child even more, and it won’t help them know how to communicate their frustration in the future.
For older children you want to talk to them when they have calm down. When your child is in distress it will be very difficult for them to reflect on what happening. You want to create an environment where your child does not feel like they’ll get in trouble for being honest about their feelings. Parents should be the ones to initiate the conversation and help children describe their feelings and connect them to the behaviors that they saw. Such as, “I noticed that you were slamming doors, what were you feeling at that time?”
It’s important for parents to normalize that it can be stressful when children experience change. Parents can help their child think about some coping strategies that will help to feel calm. Some examples are taking deep breaths, using self-talk, doing an activity that will help them take their mind off of the stressful situation.
As stressful as it can be to deal with a screaming child. You need to remind yourself that the moment will pass. You should also turn to your circle of support to maintain your own wellbeing.
